I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
