Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
