i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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