Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
