I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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