i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
