Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
