She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
