o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
