please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
