I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
soo... how was my night?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
