splinters make it hard to masturbate
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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