Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Plan B is the new Plan A
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
