Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
