I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
