I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
