there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
