is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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