I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
