I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
