I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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