in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
