you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just cropdusted the office
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
