3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
