I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize