I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
