and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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