I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
