Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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