Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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