I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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