I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
