I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
