I wish I could teleport
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
