census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize