I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
