Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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