well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
