If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
