Whod you bang
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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