did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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