Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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