i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
