I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
