dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You ruined the universe
My life is pants optional.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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