I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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