I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
