apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
