I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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