Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
