my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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