So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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