You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
