I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
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I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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