I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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