I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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