The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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