every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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