he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
what day is it and did you see me today?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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