hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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