even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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