the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
