ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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