when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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