Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
